Welcome to my less than perfect life!

Embracing the imperfections that make my life practically perfect in every way.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Ain't Too Proud To Beg

We are only 10 days from baby girl's due date.  With that in mind, I am posting a link to our fundraising account for the adoption.  If you are able, we'd love any donations to our fund.  If not, consider sharing our link on some form of social media.  And if you can't or don't want to do either of these things, keep coming back - I promise not to ask for any more money!!


Monday, December 23, 2013

This Christmas

I drive through the city streets and search for the house numbers, seeking my way to the our biggest blessing this year.  I take in the boarded up windows, broken down cars and barred windows in the neighborhood.  I find the numbers I seek and climb out of my car, opening the chain link gate that guards the front yard.

I take in these surroundings without judgement, but not without pain.  As I stand on the crumbling porch waiting for the mother our child to answer the door, my heart pinches with the familiar pain of wishing I could do more, BE more for her.

She answers the door with a big smile.  The duplex is old, yes, but it is warm.  There are ceiling tiles missing, yes, but there is a Christmas tree set up in the corner and there are wrapped gifts waiting for her two year old to enjoy.  I have come bearing some of the few things I am allowed to give at this point - hugs and food.   Orange juice per her request (she had texted me that she's been craving it) and home made candy for the holiday.

She is busy with lunch preparations because she has to get going to her job as the restaurant.  We make small talk.  I ask her if she gets time off when she delivers (we are only about two weeks from her due date).  She tells me that she doesn't want any time off, laughs that she told her manager she might give birth on the counter.  I tell her how tiny her belly still looks - she's tall and lanky - and she pulls up her shirt to show me how she is growing.  As always, I chicken out and can't ask her if I can feel the baby, though I am sure she would say yes.  I give them some love and, before I know it, I am back out on that lonely street, driving away.

I surprise myself by crying.  I don't know how our relationship will look once the baby is born - this baby who is still hers, who we hope will be ours (hers plus ours).  I find myself wishing that I were wealthy and that once the adoption is final, we could give her more than our love but money too.  I wish we could send her to beauty school like she says she wants,  I wish we could help her move to a nicer, safer neighborhood.  I wish so much, but I know that we will never, ever be able to pay back the gift she is giving us.  I know that our love, our hearts laid bare, are the only things we have to offer.

I wish I could know the thing that I can't: that that will be enough.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Say What?

Time again to look at the cute stuff my kids says lately:

1. I picked her up at school the other day and she told me that one of her friends was going to be gone for a few days.  "He's going with his family on the a-cation."  So cute.

2. The Nugget was talking to her dad the other day and she became frustrated about something.  She said, "what the heck?" But then immediately caught herself and switched to, "what the hell?"  That's our girl!

3. If she sees a dress or outfit that she thinks is cool, she will say, "that's so fashion!"

4. I was talking to her the other day about what she might like to do when she grows up.  She said, "Mom, I think I want to work with you when I grow up."  My heart grew three sizes.

5.  She was in tears after a day out to celebrate Christmas with close friends because she didn't want to leave.  At the height of her angst she declared, "this is ruining my life forever!"

6. She misunderstands the word 'teasing'.  Because of this, when she is joking with us she says, "I'm just cheesing you!"

It's just a glimpse; an unevenly numbered list that I will look back on years from now and smile over as I recall my lovely 4 year old girl.