Change

First I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and encouragement.  Me being the technical genius that I am, I was writing replies to comments from my email to each of you.  But, it seems I can't do that.  So  just know that I had really kind and thoughtful things to say and so appreciate many of you sharing your own stories with me.

I had surgery on Wednesday and today is Sunday.  My wounds are healing at a championship rate and I am planning to return to work tomorrow.  Physically, I am surprised at how unbelievably I am doing.

Mentally, well, that's a bit of a different story.  I'm not going to lie to you folks.  Change.  Is.  Hard.  I mean, it's HARD hard.  There's a part of me, and luckily right now that part does not make up over fifty percent of me, that would have this stupid band yanked in five seconds flat if I could just for the love of all that is holy eat some freaking food and have a carbonated beverage.  Oh, Diet Coke, why have you forsaken me???

I am trying, really, really trying to trust in the process, though.  These first few weeks are the hardest, when it's all liquids and protein shakes and no chewing anything but gum.  In a few days, I'll be able to eat cottage cheese.  After that, I get to work in more and more regular foods.  I am planning to attend support group next week in hopes that some other people who have been successful will be there to remind me that I can make it through this.  That my tummy will not always feel so uncomfortable after drinking an ounce of water.  That my temper will not always be so short with my family because I AM FREAKING STARVING ON 300 CALORIES A DAY AND MY ONLY COPING MECHANISM HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY.  That I will look up, sooner than I think, and be 25 pounds down and counting.

The inability to eat, however, has really helped me put into context how intrinsically linked food had become to my every activity.  The Mister and I have gone to a couple of movies which I felt only half hearted about because I couldn't have popcorn and diet coke.  We all went on a family outing today and I found myself trying to think of where we could go for lunch.  Even thinking about getting a sitter for the weekend, I can't help but wonder what we will DO if we can't eat out.

I guess what I am saying is if even one of you validates that I should just stay fat, I'm going for it!

Okay, maybe not, but I'm floundering a bit here.  I'm alive, but I'm floundering.  I'm trying...and, for now, succeeding.  Floundering, but doing it.  Staying on the wagon.  That's me.

All pats on the back welcome and I will be sure to return them once I emerge from sucking my thumb in the corner.

Comments

  1. I firmly believe (after witnessing three births) that women can do ANYTHING. You can do this. You can.

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  2. This is SO hard! Eating is such a habit, and changing any habit (but especially such a comforting one)sucks. My husband and I started the 500-calories-a-day part of our hCG diet yesterday and we were amazed at how OFTEN we thought of eating.

    But it can only get easier! You can't get LESS used to new eating habits, so it's going to get better, is what I kept telling him yesterday.

    You're amazing and you can do this!!

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  3. Big pat on the back and lots of hugs from Minnesota. I look forward to hearing more about the process. I'm wondering if it's something I should look into.

    Hang in there!

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  4. You can do it. You've hit the nail on the head - you're learning new coping skills. VERY TOUGH. What other habit do we HAVE to do to live? Our food relationship is so complex. And we all realize - Knowing is half the battle.

    Ha! Hope that made you laugh. Just take one moment at a time and be forgiving to yourself. You can do it...

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  5. You can totally do this. And when you're done it will all have been worth it.

    I'm proud of you! Hugs!!

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