Welcome to my less than perfect life!

Embracing the imperfections that make my life practically perfect in every way.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Down The Rabbit Hole

I've been wanting to post for days (weeks?).  I haven't been here.  I haven't been reading or writing or commenting.  I've just been numbing out.  I've gone down the rabbit hole and I am just starting to try and poke my head back out and scrabble forth.  Trying really hard.

I suffer from depression.  It's a concept that's hard to explain to people.  It's a concept that's hard to grasp myself.  Well all know what it is to be sad about something but we move on.  My depression is like I'm sad about nothing, or everything, and can't move on.  Or not sad.  Apathetic.  Unfocused.  Hazy.  It is compounded by life circumstances - loss, grief - but it was there before life threw in what it had to offer.  Most days, I take a tiny pill and life seems liveable.  In fact, as an adult I realized that I had really become an optimist and not the negative and angry woman of my youth.  I count my blessings, I enjoy each day.  I bask in the normalcy and joy of daily family life.  I cook and clean and plan and schedule and LOVE things.  I know how lucky I am to have my beautiful, happy, healthy family and all that goes along with it.  But that's the me with the pill.  And that's the me when the pill is working.

The me when the pill doesn't work - sleeps.  Cries.  Worries.  Sleeps more.  Eats.  Regrets.  Eats more.  Let's the laundry and the dust and the lack of cooking pile up until it crushes her.  Spends money she doesn't have because it takes less energy than other options.  Cares but can't do anything to show it.  Plays word games on her phone until her eyes burn.  Sees herself falling down the rabbit hole and doesn't know how to stop it.  Mentally begs someone to throw her a rope but can't figure out how to let them into this aspect of her reality.  Wonders if the pill needs changed.  Wonders if her life needs changed.  Wonders if she can still be loved by anyone.  Wonders if she will ruin her daughter with this disease.  Wonders if she will drive away her husband.

I don't always know what starts me down the rabbit hole.  I don't know why the pill sometimes doesn't work.  Of course, maybe it IS working, but things would just be much, much worse without it.  I know that.  anniversaries, holidays, the pettiness that sometimes comes into our daily lives - these all impact things, too.  It's exhausting sometimes, just putting one foot in front of the other.  It's exhausting, but I'm trying.  I'm really, really trying.

Maybe sharing helps.  Maybe sharing could even help someone else who feels this same way.  DOING something, anything, THAT helps.  That I know.  So, here I am, DOING.  Thank you all for letting me share.  I hope to more of you all soon.