Bending the Scowl Like Beckham

I am just going to come right out and say it.  I have had it with Victoria Beckham (Victoria, if you are reading this, I will henceforth refer to you as VBeck.  I can do that, right?  I mean, we're not friends or anything and I am sure we never will be (certainly not after this post) but I feel like it's better to stick to a catchy celebrity nickname which includes at least part of your last name and therefore seems more formal than to go ahead and just call you Victoria, for God's sake.  Okay, so then, it's settled.  VBeck it is).  I mean, this is a person who has virtually everything that anyone could want.  She has four healthy children and a husband who is thought of by many as quite the catch.  She is beautiful and wealthy.  And yet she never.  Ever.  Smiles.  Go ahead.  Google some images while I wait.  In fact, here are a few for you to ponder:

Pretty sure holding this face is giving her a migraine.
"It hurts when I even think about smiling."

I can only assume she's thinking how much this purse is killing her arm.

And now she's gone and stolen my baby name.  I. Have. Had. It.

VBeck, you have got everything.  And, as far as I can tell (from an admittedly extremely outsider perspective), you don't really appreciate that fact.  And now, on top of the everything you had before, you have my baby name, Harper!!!

I can only assume you didn't know I was planning to use it on the next child I have.  Who has not yet been conceived.  But STILL.  You could have checked this out with me first.  I mean, while readers of my blog don't know my daughter as anything but The Nugget, she does have a real name.  A real name which went quite well with the sibling, unisex name of Harper.  Because we are into literary, unisex names around here.  But now, every time I hear that name, I will be seeing that freaking scowling face staring at me.  The face I have to rush past in magazines because it pisses me off.  That thankless, scowling face which I can only assume has been developed through years of hard practice at looking exceptionally cool and perpetually bored.  It's the only way to be posh.

So, I beg of you, lighten the freak up.  You are now the mother of 4 children.  We know you have a less than perfect body and a less than perfect sleep schedule and a less than perfect life because them's the breaks when you have 4 children.  Fess up to it.  Dare to smile at your  children once in a while.  Or your husband.  Or your fans.  Or even to yourself.  Take the risk that by laughing and smiling and possibly even being seen looking less than perfect, you will be seen as someone who is *god forbid* NORMAL.  And I mean this in the best possible way.  Normal isn't so bad.  Your face hurts a lot less when you don't have to maintain a "sexy" pout.  And your arm hurts a lot less if you don't have to carry multi-thousand dollar purses the size of Mini Coopers around.  Your feet will likely thank you when you no longer have to wear 5 inch heels to every event in your life (your husband plays soccer; sporty might be an appropriate look for a game).  And I am sure, I have to believe, that your family will feel a lot more relaxed and calm when you feel more relaxed and calm.

Anyway, VBeck, treat that name well.  I hope I'll see you smiling in some pictures in the future (perhaps with the knowledge that you stole my name, but still).  Run.  Frolick.  Have fun.  And remember, you have a fantastic life.  Celebrate it.  And bend that scowl upside down, baby.


  1. Even her half smile looks fantastic. Imagine if she'd flash a full smile.

  2. Maybe she has awful yellow teeth? or vampire fangs! Seriously, I'd love some of her shoes. Even though I don't wear heels (sook)!! I totes reckon she'd be reading this. Whilst on the treadmill already no doubt! X

  3. Oh, you have me laughing out loud! I really wish you would share how you really feel.

  4. hahahahahahahaha good point! i love the reference to her gianter than life purse hurting her arm :)


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